Tip O' the Hat to my beautiful wife, Shelly, for sending this joke on to me. The comments in green are my addition. Enjoy.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
(Must be a Christian Democrat.)Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
(Hence The Chosen One's successes.)I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
(Actually I want to die after a particularly pleasant evening spent in the company of a twenty year-old redhead named Cindi and a bottle of Gran Patrón Burdeos.)Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a BMW.
(Advice for the Chosen One?)The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
(Something a particularly witty leftie said to me when he could not beat a logical argument by explaining how he "felt" about the topic.)Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
(Congress?)If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
(The end of that conversation I had with the witty leftie.)We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
(Well some of us. Liberals might want to take this one to heart.)War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
(Something the terrorists understand and we have yet to learn.)Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
(This is the best description of why liberals do not understand PAYGo.)The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
(That old saw about the early bird just proves that the worm should have stayed in bed. -Robert Heinlein) Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
(Especially lately.)To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
(To steal from everyone makes you a congressman.) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
(Congress is where common sense stops.)How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
(I never have this problem, I use Boy Scout Juice.)Some people are like Slinkies, not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
(Comment withheld to protect me from the Secret Service.)Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
(So Long and Thanks for All the Fish)I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
(Something my wife told me the other day.)A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
(Useful huh?)Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says"If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."
(Whenever I see next of kin, I always put down "Barbie".)I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
(Presidential Policy since January '09.)Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
(There is a white mark on my fleece pullover because of something like this.)Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
(Correction, we think we are "Dead Sexy".)Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
(Congress again.)A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
(Or a psychopath.)You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
(Bounce or splash?)The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
(And you are just jealous because they talk to me and not you.)Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
(Must be China.)A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
(And all this time I thought it was the art of saying "Good Doggie" while looking for a big stick. Huh, who knew?)Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
(Where I was raised it was, "especially when you wish they were.)Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
(Amen)I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
(Kind of like Grant on Mythbusters. (See the Shark Week Special))Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
(The Chosen One again.)There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
(IRS?)I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
(Well maybe not.)I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon .... and a shot of tequila.
(Gran Patrón Burdeos again.....yum!)When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
(I prefer Red Adair's method.....BOOM!)You're never too old to learn something stupid.
(Too many presidential speeches.)To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
(Or use a shotgun.)Nostalgia .... it just isn't what it used to be.
(Neither are the winters you get these days. Why, back in my day........)A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
(Kind of like a politician faced with the truth.)If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
(I must be slow, we are discussing a third.)Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
(Your purchase is pretty chancy too.)Follow your dreams - all except the one where you are naked in church.
(Especially if they are throwing little pickles at you.)Corduroy Pillow Cases are making headlines lately.
(Soooooooo bad!)I like cats too, let's swap recipes.
(MMMMMMMMMMMM! Vietnamese food!)I Like Cooking With Wine, sometimes I even put it in the food.
(But only sometimes!)Dyslexics Have More nuf.
(Says who?)Sometimes too much to drink is STILL not enough.
(There is no such thing as too much to drink, until you hit your thirties.)I may be a schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
(Those little voices you are so jealous of again.)In just two days, tomorrow Will be yesterday.
(And two days ago, yesterday was tomorrow.)
The Amish are a "Non-violent" people!
