Monday, August 23, 2010

Joke of the Week

Tip O' the Hat to my dad for sending this one. Have a great Monday.

Clever Truisms
1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn’t answer, drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day, what a waste.
17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Dangerous Neighborhood” routing option.
21. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry ten plastic grocery bags in each hand than take two trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.?
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
31. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my all everyone can find and push the snooze button from three feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Global Warming Wednesday

Tip O' the Hat this week to Leslie at Blunt Politics for calling the Global Warming Warriors on their Bull $#!7. Keep up the fight Leslie, we will beat them back and eventually we will the opportunity to take all of their lies, fold them until they are all sharp corners, and cram them up their........well we all get the idea.

Global Warming Update

At a recent Global Warming convention, a few delegates had a disagreement about green-house gases, climate change and whether the mop on top of Al Gore's head was really his own hair. At first the confrontation looked as if it would get heated, perhaps even violent…But after a few drinks and a few off-color stories involving Uncle Al and poodles, at least two of the delegates were able to agree on almost everything (not the toupe) and even became quite good friends.

This spearheaded a new trend among globalist polar bears. Based on recent scientific evidence that is beyond dispute, it appears many polar bears have forsaken their liberal values and are now engaged in eating baby seals, chasing after Eskimos, peeing in the ocean, and have converted to capitalism.

They seem much happier now that they do not have to pose for doctored pictures or kiss Al Gore’s backside.

Needless to say, Uncle Al Gore has become very despondent over this unexpected turn of events. Who ever imagined Capitalist Polar Bears? It may take years of counseling and a few extra visits by massage therapists to recover, but he can at least find some solace in the fact that Washington squirrels are still Democrats and ready to receive all government hand-outs.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

American Patriot/Hero of the Week

This post was delayed a week to honor another Medal of Honor recipient and the people who are attempting to aide his widow, and other surviving family. While I would not normally bump a post as near and dear to my heart as the Patriots/Heroes posts, the time constraints of the Baker family's need called out to me to publish their story as soon as possible, and I am sure that Corporal Stein would understand and approve.

This week I honor Marine Corporal Tony Stein. Cpl. Stein died two weeks after the events that earned him the Medal of Honor as a volunteer rooting out Japanese machine gun emplacements during the battle of Iwo Jima, and for aiding wounded comrades. Below is Cpl. Stein's Medal of Honor citation:

For conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of his life above and beyond the call of duty while serving with Company A, First Battalion, Twenty-Eighth Marines, Fifth Marine Division, in action against enemy Japanese forces on Iwo Jima, in the Volcano Island, February 19, 1945. The first man of his unit to be on station after hitting the beach in the initial assault, Corporal Stein, armed with a personally improvised aircraft-type weapon, provided rapid covering fire as the remainder of his platoon attempted to move into position and, when his comrades were stalled by a concentrated machine-gun and mortar barrage, gallantly stood upright and exposed himself to the enemy's view, thereby drawing the hostile fire to his own person and enabling him to observe the location of the furiously blazing hostile guns. Determined to neutralize the strategically placed weapons, he boldly charged the enemy pillboxes one by one and succeeded in killing twenty of the enemy during the furious single-handed assault. Cool and courageous under the merciless hail of exploding shells and bullets which fell on all sides, he continued to deliver the fire of his skillfully improvised weapon at a tremendous rate of speed which rapidly exhausted his ammunition. Undaunted, he removed his helmet and shoes to expedite his movements and ran back to the beach for additional ammunition, making a total of eight trips under intense fire and carrying or assisting a wounded man back each time. Despite the unrelenting savagery and confusion of battle, he rendered prompt assistance to his platoon whenever the unit was in position, directing the fire of a half-track against a stubborn pillbox until he had effected the ultimate destruction of the Japanese fortification. Later in the day, although his weapon was twice shot from his hands, he personally covered the withdrawal of his platoon to the company position. Stouthearted and indomitable, Corporal Stein, by his aggressive initiative, sound judgment and unwavering devotion to duty in the face of terrific odds, contributed materially to the fulfillment of his mission, and his outstanding valor throughout the bitter hours of conflict sustained and enhanced the highest traditions of the United States Naval Service.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Joke of the Week

Tip O' the Hat, again, to John M. who sent this one along. This is possibly the funniest political joke I have yet published. It is so funny in fact that even my wife, who is so tired of hearing about politics that she could just spit, laughed for over a minute.

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went to his advisers and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Friday, August 13, 2010

American Patriot/Hero of the Week

This week's American Patriot/Hero was going to be Medal of Honor recipient Tony Stein. While I still intend to honor Corporal Stein, I am pushing his story to next week because of the timely need of the family of a hero. This week's Heroes post is a double whammy. Not only will I profile a hero of the American Republic, but also the people who are attempting to help his family in true American fashion.

First Lieutenant Vernon Baker, a black U.S. Army soldier in the 92nd Infantry Division, who fought in Europe during World War II. Lt. Baker was personally responsible for the destruction of three machine gun nests, two observation points, two bunkers and a German communications network for which he was awarded the Distinguished Service Cross. For a more detailed account of his actions, see this WaPo article. Later, after a review of the policies of the time, his award was upgraded to the Medal of Honor, which was awarded by President Bill Clinton in 1997. Below is Lt. Baker's Medal of Honor citation:

For extraordinary heroism in action on 5 and 6 April 1945, near Viareggio, Italy. Then Second Lieutenant Baker demonstrated outstanding courage and leadership in destroying enemy installations, personnel and equipment during his company's attack against a strongly entrenched enemy in mountainous terrain. When his company was stopped by the concentration of fire from several machine gun emplacements, he crawled to one position and destroyed it, killing three Germans. Continuing forward, he attacked an enemy observation post and killed two occupants. With the aid of one of his men, Lieutenant Baker attacked two more machine gun nests, killing or wounding the four enemy soldiers occupying these positions. He then covered the evacuation of the wounded personnel of his company by occupying an exposed position and drawing the enemy's fire. On the following night Lieutenant Baker voluntarily led a battalion advance through enemy mine fields and heavy fire toward the division objective. Second Lieutenant Baker's fighting spirit and daring leadership were an inspiration to his men and exemplify the highest traditions of the Armed Forces.

"I'm not a hero. I'm just a soldier that did a good job. I think the real heroes are the men I left behind on that hill that day." - Lt. Baker

I told you Lt. Baker's story so that I could then tell you this story:

After a long bout with brain cancer, Lt. Baker died on July 13, 2010. at his Saint Maries, Idaho home. He left behind a wife, three children, one step-child and a grand-child. Like many of us, the Baker family is suffering from the effects of the current recession. The family is suffering so much so, that they are can not afford to his interment in Arlington Nation Cemetery. The people of his community have refused to let this stand. Businesses, strangers, the local congressman and the Post Falls National Guard are all chipping in to make sure that a brave American Hero's family can attend his funeral. To me, this makes them all heroes. It is sad that this great nation can not or will not bring a hero's family to Arlington to witness his interment and to say their last goodbyes. It is very heartening however that the American people will not allow such a travesty to occur, and a giving, even in these hard times to make sure that a great injustice will not occur. I salute and thank you all. It is actions such as this that help sustain my faith in the American people.

If you would like to help, checks made out to Heidy Baker can be mailed to the following address:
AmericanWest Bank Saint Maries Idaho
1500 Main Ave
Saint Maries, ID 83861

Also money can be wired, fees still apply, to:
Bank Name: AmericanWest Bank
Routing Number: 125107037
Account Number: 100120
On the instructions be note; "To be credited to Heidy Baker account. Contact Saint Maries Branch located at 1500 Main Ave., Saint Maries, ID 83861."

Please help if, and how, you can.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Global Warming er........Thursday

I spent the last couple of days reorganizing my files so that I can finish all those half written posts I start, and so that I can find the references for all my other posts. Because of this I am very behind, and I am working diligently to catch up.

Tip O' the Hat to Left Coast Rebel at his eponymous, and well written, blog for this week's debunking of the big lie that is Global Warming.

Return of the Heatnicks: It’s summer, time to start paying attention to isolated weather events

By Conservative Generation and Left Coast Rebel

It's really hot in Moscow right now. How hot?

Moscow region has seen abnormally hot weather and drought for over a month with two temperature records broken in June and ten records broken in July. Heat has caused peat bogs fires nearby Moscow creating toxic smog throughout the capital. The smog pushed pollution levels to new 2010 highs on Saturday threatening people's health.

So naturally, it's time for the heatnicks to renew their tin-foil hat sightings of Loch Ness Global Oven aka Global Warming. The Times opened the door last week in a piece called "Will Russia's Heat Wave End its Global Warming Doubts?" There are some truly brilliant quotes from the left like:

Vladimir Chuprov, director of the Greenpeace energy department in Moscow said:

"if you look at what is happening with this heat wave, it's horrible. It's clearly enough to shake people out of their delusions about global warming."

It is interesting to watch how far the left has come in mere months. When the Northern Hemisphere's thermometers were frozen at record lows, the bastions of leftism, aka the NY Times proclaimed:

"Climate scientists say that no individual episode of severe weather can be attributed to global climate trends."

The proclamation was just in time for Moscow to see record snow in February.

How Moses-like of the Times to declare "thou shalt not declare individual weather events related to global warming?" Still, proof that even the liberals aren't reading their daily, government proscribed, bible of the state, abounds. The useful idiots and political hacks at the reaction proved that they aren't well read in the literature of the liberal media gods. As a result, they are needlessly seething with righteous, climate anger.

Still, the clown car brigade refuses to face up to reality. Seven hundred people dying of heat daily. An iceberg four times the size of Manhattan island breaks off from Greenland's main glacier after sliding down a few hundred yards of meltwater, but hey, global warming is just a myth. Or it can't be responsible for this destruction.

Clearly, there is much pent up anger from last winter when the world was so hot it was cold.

Now that we are back to "it's so hot that it is hot," I must concede to the wisdom of science. For, the answer is yes, there is a major global climate event that is wreaking havoc across the globe, but you can put your global warming pitch forks away my comrades. The beast responsible for Moscow's misery is a Spanish one; La Nina, which is Spanish for "The Nina."

Discussion at memeorandum

Updated: Leslie Eastman at the Temple of Mut has some great material up on California's upcoming Cap and Trade legislation and great advice for activists engaging in debate against the global warming scaremonger cabal. Read it here.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Joke of the Week

From a chain email, but funny anyway:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written An impressive new book. It's called .......... "Ministers Do More Than Lay People"

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just Vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'

11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Global Warming Wednesday

Tip O' the Hat to Warner Todd Huston at Gateway Pundit for this weeks exposure of the Global Warming Conspiracy and their attitude towards debunkers and disbelievers.

Posted by Guest Contributor on Thursday, July 29, 2010, 11:01 AM

-By Warner Todd Huston

This is how the left treats those with whom they disagree, folks. Daily Kos contributing editor and writer Steven Andrew has suggested that anyone that disagrees with the globaloney of global warming should commit suicide in a “Soylent Green world.”

In his examiner column headlined, “Studies Show Dramatic Decrease in Plankton,” Andrew made what he called a “symbolic suggestion” that might “be in bad taste.”

After railing that skeptic Steve Millroy “regularly carpet bombs newspaper editorial pages with climate change disinformation,” Andrew then makes his “suggestion.”

Right about here I’d like to insert a symbolic suggestion about how climate change skeptics might best serve their fellow man in the future Soylent Green world they’re eagerly foisting on the rest of us. I’d like to, but the Examiner Overlords feel this would be in bad taste, no pun intended, so you’ll have to use your imagination. In the words of Kent Brockman, I for one welcome our overlords …

For those not familiar with the the 1973 movie, Soylent Green, the film portrays a distopian future where elderly citizens commit assisted suicide and their bodies get turned into food for an over populated world. Andrew is clearly hoping that his ideological opponents kill themselves.

It has become typical of adherents of the religion of globaloney to want to burn heretics at the stake and Steven Andrew appears to want to be considered a high priest of the faith. It’s a nouveau Spanish Inquisition fostered by the true believes of the enviro-left, folks, and they have You in their cross hairs.


(A screen shot in case the page goes down the memory hole can be downloaded HERE)

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

American Patriot/Hero of the Week

This week I want to honor the many people who saved the life of Specialist Channing Moss who was shot with a rocket propelled grenade that lodged in his abdomen without detonating. These men disregarded the rules that would have consigned one of our brave soldiers to death and the risk to their own lives. Brave men one and all. If anyone has a list of these men and women, please send it to me so I can fill in the list below,as I could only found the name of a doctor and Moss' Sergeant. Tip O' the Hat to Christian Soldier at Carol's Blog.

This is what they are all about..

The story is about Channing Moss, who was impaled by a live RPG during a Taliban ambush while on patrol. Army protocol says that medivac choppers are never to carry anyone with a live round in him. Even though they feared it could explode, the flight crew said damn the protocol and flew him to the nearest aid station. Again, protocol said that in such a case the patient is to be put in a sandbagged area away from the surgical unit, given a shot of morphine and left to wait (and die) until others are treated. Again, the medical team ignored the protocol. Here's a short video put together by the Military Times, which includes actual footage of the surgery where Dr. John Oh, a Korean immigrant who became a naturalized citizen and went to West Point, removed the live round with the help of volunteers and a member of the EOD (explosive ordinance disposal) team. Moss has undergone six operations, but is doing well at home in Gainesville, GA. I think you'll find the video absolutely remarkable.

From Military Times

Do you see why I love these BEST!!

Major John Oh (Surgeon)
Staff Sergeant Eric Wynn
Medic (Name Unknown)
Surgical Team (Names Unknown)
EOD Technichian (Name Unknown)
MedEvac Crew & Pilots (Names Unknown)
Walter Reed Medical Center Staff (Names Unknown)

Monday, August 2, 2010

Joke of the Week

This one was sent to me by Brian H. I laughed so hard I cried.

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a = 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it wouldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and..


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P. S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!