More Birthday Wishes

Here is a birthday shout out to my friend Blue Wolfess from the ...View to Thrill...Not!!! blog. Hopefully I got this birthday put into my calendar correctly because the last time I offered birthday wishes, to her old man no less, I was exactly one month late. I still lay the blame on him for giving me the wrong date, but I digress. Happy Birthday Blue.


P.S. I am not sure what to buy Blue and G-Man's boys for Christmas. I could get them something loud and annoying, or something destructive that they will use to wreck up the house like I did last year, which let us face facts, this is one of the best things about other people's children and Christmas. Any Advice???

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES

A Story About the REAL Meaning of Christmas

The True Story of Rudolph

A man named Bob May, depressed and brokenhearted, stared out his drafty apartment window into the chilling December night.

His 4-year-old daughter Barbara sat on his lap quietly sobbing. Bob's wife, Evelyn, was dying of cancer. Little Barbara couldn't understand why her mommy could never come home. Barbara looked up into her dad's eyes and asked, "Why isn't Mommy just like everybody else's Mommy?" Bob's jaw tightened and his eyes welled with tears. Her question brought waves of grief, but also of anger. It had been the story of Bob's life. Life always had to be different for Bob.

Small when he was a kid, Bob was often bullied by other boys. He was too little at the time to compete in sports. He was often called names he'd rather not remember. From childhood, Bob was different and never seemed to fit in. Bob did complete college, married his loving wife and was grateful to get his job as a copywriter at Montgomery Ward during the Great Depression. Then he was blessed with his little girl. But it was all short-lived. Evelyn's bout with cancer stripped them of all their savings and now Bob and his daughter were forced to live in a two-room apartment in the Chicago slums. Evelyn died just days before Christmas in 1938.

Bob struggled to give hope to his child, for whom he couldn't even afford to buy a Christmas gift. But if he couldn't buy a gift, he was determined to make one - a storybook! Bob had created an animal character in his own mind and told the animal's story to little Barbara to give her comfort and hope. Again and again Bob told the story, embellishing it more with each telling. Who was the character? What was the story all about? The story Bob May created was his own autobiography in fable form. The character he created was a misfit outcast like he was. The name of the character? A little reindeer named Rudolph, with a big shiny nose. Bob finished the book just in time to give it to his little girl on Christmas Day. But the story doesn't end there.

The general manager of Montgomery Ward caught wind of the little storybook and offered Bob May a nominal fee to purchase the rights to print the book. Wards went on to print, "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and distribute it to children visiting Santa Claus in their stores. By 1946 Wards had printed and distributed more than six million copies of Rudolph. That same year, a major publisher wanted to purchase the rights from Wards to print an updated version of the book.

In an unprecedented gesture of kindness, the CEO of Wards returned all rights back to Bob May. The book became a best seller. Many toy and marketing deals followed and Bob May, now remarried with a growing family, became wealthy from the story he created to comfort his grieving daughter. But the story doesn't end there either.

Bob's brother-in-law, Johnny Marks, made a song adaptation to Rudolph. Though the song was turned down by such popular vocalists as Bing Crosby and Dinah Shore, it was recorded by the singing cowboy, Gene Autry. "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was released in 1949 and became a phenomenal success, selling more records than any other Christmas song, with the exception of "White Christmas."

The gift of love that Bob May created for his daughter so long ago kept on returning back to bless him again and again. And Bob May learned the lesson, just like his dear friend Rudolph, that being different isn't so bad. In fact, being different can be a blessing.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES

Joke of the Week

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS
(Eat, Drink and be Merry)

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can, and quickly. It's rare . . . You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it and have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a great holiday season!

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES

Joke of the Week

Tip O' the Hat to my Dad for this week's chuckle. I hope it brightens everyone's day.

The Amish are a "Non-violent" people!
or
IT PAYS TO KNOW GERMAN

An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.
The Amish Farmer shouts, "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben hineingeschissen!"
(Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have shat in it!")
The man shouts back, "I am a government employee working directly for The President. I am too important to have been bothered to learn your language so I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English!"
The Amish Farmer shouts back in English, "Use two hands, you'll get more!"

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES

More Emanations from Vicodinland

Surgery today. I am excited and more than a little nervous. Wish me luck. Be sure to vote or you are no better than dirty lib. This might very well be our last chance to take our country back without violence.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES

Joke of the Week

Tip O' the Hat to my beautiful wife, Shelly, for sending this joke on to me. The comments in green are my addition. Enjoy.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. (Must be a Christian Democrat.)

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. (Hence The Chosen One's successes.)

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. (Actually I want to die after a particularly pleasant evening spent in the company of a twenty year-old redhead named Cindi and a bottle of Gran Patrón Burdeos.)

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a BMW. (Advice for the Chosen One?)

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. (Something a particularly witty leftie said to me when he could not beat a logical argument by explaining how he "felt" about the topic.)

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. (Congress?)

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. (The end of that conversation I had with the witty leftie.)

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public. (Well some of us. Liberals might want to take this one to heart.)

War does not determine who is right -- only who is left. (Something the terrorists understand and we have yet to learn.)

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. (This is the best description of why liberals do not understand PAYGo.)

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. (That old saw about the early bird just proves that the worm should have stayed in bed. -Robert Heinlein)

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. (Especially lately.)

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. (To steal from everyone makes you a congressman.)

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station. (Congress is where common sense stops.)

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? (I never have this problem, I use Boy Scout Juice.)

Some people are like Slinkies, not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. (Comment withheld to protect me from the Secret Service.)

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. (So Long and Thanks for All the Fish)

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks. (Something my wife told me the other day.)

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. (Useful huh?)

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says"If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR." (Whenever I see next of kin, I always put down "Barbie".)

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. (Presidential Policy since January '09.)

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? (There is a white mark on my fleece pullover because of something like this.)

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy. (Correction, we think we are "Dead Sexy".)

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. (Congress again.)

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. (Or a psychopath.)

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. (Bounce or splash?)

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! (And you are just jealous because they talk to me and not you.)

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. (Must be China.)

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. (And all this time I thought it was the art of saying "Good Doggie" while looking for a big stick. Huh, who knew?)

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. (Where I was raised it was, "especially when you wish they were.)

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. (Amen)

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. (Kind of like Grant on Mythbusters. (See the Shark Week Special))

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. (The Chosen One again.)

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. (IRS?)

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. (Well maybe not.)

I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon .... and a shot of tequila. (Gran Patrón Burdeos again.....yum!)

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. (I prefer Red Adair's method.....BOOM!)

You're never too old to learn something stupid. (Too many presidential speeches.)

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. (Or use a shotgun.)

Nostalgia .... it just isn't what it used to be. (Neither are the winters you get these days. Why, back in my day........)

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. (Kind of like a politician faced with the truth.)

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child? (I must be slow, we are discussing a third.)

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. (Your purchase is pretty chancy too.)

Follow your dreams - all except the one where you are naked in church. (Especially if they are throwing little pickles at you.)

Corduroy Pillow Cases are making headlines lately. (Soooooooo bad!)

I like cats too, let's swap recipes. (MMMMMMMMMMMM! Vietnamese food!)

I Like Cooking With Wine, sometimes I even put it in the food. (But only sometimes!)

Dyslexics Have More nuf. (Says who?)

Sometimes too much to drink is STILL not enough. (There is no such thing as too much to drink, until you hit your thirties.)

I may be a schizophrenic, but at least I have each other. (Those little voices you are so jealous of again.)

In just two days, tomorrow Will be yesterday. (And two days ago, yesterday was tomorrow.)

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES

Biden the Artist

There was some SNAFU with my voter registration this year so I had to go down to the County Elections Office. Having never been inside my county building I got a little lost and was wandering around. I passed by the Sheriff's civil office and noticed that there was a big cork-board outside just full of wanted posters. I stopped to looking them over when I noticed this one:


It blows my mind. I mean, I knew that the government had suddenly decided to declare the potato unhealthy, thus alienating America's potato farmers, a major food crop here in the Northwest by the way. I was also aware that the Feds want to tighten there grip on our lives by 0utlawing the humble potato from the public-dole system a.k.a. the Federal School Lunch Program, thus controlling what our kids can and can not eat. However, I was not aware that The Chosen One had let that moron Biden back into the crayon box. Apparently they also let him design the informational poster commanding us peasants that we are not to associate with the potato. Oh well, I guess it keeps him quit.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES