Joke of the Week

Tip O' the Hat, again, to John M. who sent this one along. This is possibly the funniest political joke I have yet published. It is so funny in fact that even my wife, who is so tired of hearing about politics that she could just spit, laughed for over a minute.

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went to his advisers and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES!

Joke of the Week

This one was sent to me by Brian H. I laughed so hard I cried.

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a = 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it wouldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and..

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P. S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES!

Joke of the Week

California:
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor starts to intervene and is bitten, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the State $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dog which has died and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.

9. Additional cost to State of California: $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the State.


Arizona:
The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, boys and girls, is why California is broke ................

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES!

Dr. Suess Weighs in on The Chosen One

I do not like this Uncle Sam, I do not like his health care scam.

I do not like these dirty crooks, or how they lie and cook the books.

I do not like when Congress steals,

I do not like their secret deals.

I do not like this speaker Nan ,

I do not like this 'YES WE CAN'.

I do not like this spending spree,

I'm smart, I know that nothing's free,

I do not like your smug replies, when I complain about your lies.

I do not like this kind of hope.

I do not like it. nope, nope, nope!

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES!

News Roundup

Senators Fret Over Big 12 Collapse, Explore Options - Really? With two wars, the other troubles in the Middle East, terrorist attacks, and a major oil spill disaster in the gulf, and this is what congress is concerned with? Really?

In South Carolina, Greene is Mystery Man Despite Winning Democratic Senate Nod - Proof that libs will vote for anybody.

Sarah Palin's Breasts - Again, with all that is going on in the world and this is news?

Boehner Presents Obama with Letter from Economists Underscoring GOP Points - The Chosen one knows best though.

Goat Spears Rep. Weiner, Draws Blood - Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

Dems' Tough New Immigration Pitch - Alright you can stay, but only you promise to stop breaking the law. Pinky swear!

VIDEO: Man Punched During Protest Against Government Bailouts - As soon as that dude hit me I would have dropped him. If he touched my wife, I would have broken three bones just for drill, then I gone to work on him.

Cato Scholar Jokes about Using Undocumented Immigrants to Soak Up Oil: 'they're very absorbent.' - Ah, a perfect example of the tolerance of the left.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES!

U.S. Immigration Policy Takes a Left Turn

Tip O' the Hat to Caught Him with a Corndog for bringing this to my attention.

In regards to U.S. immigration policy, as it pertains to illegal aliens, this nation in deep trouble. In what universe is a headline like this okay: "16 Illegals Sue Arizona Rancher".

When I first saw this, I thought it was a joke on the sorry state of our immigration policy, but I was shocked to find that not only was this true, but that "U.S. District Judge John Roll rejected a motion by Mr. Barnett to have the charges dropped, ruling there was sufficient evidence to allow the matter to be presented to a jury." Sufficient evidence of what? That he detained some trespassers on his land? That he used some naughty language or let his dog scare them? It appears to me that all he is guilty of is adding sixteen more points to his running tally of over twelve thousand captured illegal aliens.

The lawsuit is asking for "$32 million in actual and punitive damages for civil rights violations, the infliction of emotional distress and other crimes." This breaks down to two million dollars apiece because he frightened them, had them arrested and likely deported. Where is the crime in that?

This is a man, a property and business owner, who has seen the government stand idly by while people who have no business being here in the first place, damage, destroy and steal his property, kill his cattle, break into his house and litter his land with trash and corpses. What should he have done? What would YOU have done if the government refused to stem the tide of dangerous illegal aliens violating the sanctity of this man's home? This is a clear danger to security of this man, his property and his family.

The ranchers along the southern border have had little to no redress from the federal government which is supposed to be responsible for securing our borders and keep out threats to our nation. The first and highest duty of government is to protect the citizens of our great nation. A duty they have abrogated by not controlling the plague of illegal aliens that they allow to cross our borders and murder citizens such as Robert Krentz. The sad truth is that we have no presumption of police protection. Typically this means properly maintaining a home defense fire arm and taking minimal security precautions, but when you land is being invaded, security means going out from your own walls and confronting the threat before it comes to you. In a fight like this, if you have to stand your ground in your own doorway, you have already lost.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES!

Joke of the Week

Tip O' the Hat to Chris L. for passing this one along. I laughed so hard I almost wet myself. Enjoy.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we can not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at McDonald's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' T o which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

IDIOT SIGHTING :

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

IDIOT SIGHTING :

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Dodge dealership in Canton, MS

STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE!

Things like this make me weep for the species.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES!

Joke of the Week

Tip O' the Hat to David C. for sending in this week's joke. If you laugh, you have him to blame.

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration
and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious. So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and
says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he
will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So, are you people still
happy you voted for Obama?"

*****Update*****

Here is an alternate ending proposed by my wife:
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "Would you like an onion in you martini Mr. President?"

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES!

The Governor of Arizona's Response to The Chosen One

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES!

Joke of the Week 2.0

Tip O' the Hat to Doug H. for this great chemistry lesson.

*****PELOSIUM *****

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Pelosium." Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. The symbol for Pelosium is "PU".

Pelosium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons in a Pelosium molecule, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass".

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates CNN-adnausium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES!

Joke of the Week

Tip O' the Hat to G-Man over at The Pickle who emailed this week's joke to me.

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up... She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride.

"Wow...what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50... Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where that crazy old homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house." She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me..

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES!

A Prayer for Our President

Right now, our President is besieged on all sides by contention. He says he is making the changes necessary to make this a great nation once again despite the will of the people, because he knows what is best for us. At this time I would like to offer a prayer for The Chosen One as he goes about making the changes to our great nation that "He" deems to be for our own good. Today's prayer is taken from Psalm 109:8.

May his days be few; may another take his place of leadership. Amen.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES!

BS Quote From Speaker Piglosi

In early remarks released by ABC, Pelosi was asked by "This Week" host Elizabeth Vargas, "When asked to grade the past year, Pelosi said, "I think I get an A for effort." - And that my friends, is as succinct a statement as I have ever heard about what is wrong with this nation. Voting present and participation trophies.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES!

Latter to The Chosen One

I found this letter while surfing around the net and thought it awesome beyond description. NOTE: It is misattributed, and the correct author is mentioned in the story. Enjoy!

Subject: Teacher Slams Obama

April 17, 2009
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

Mr. Obama:

I have had it with you and your administration, sir. Your conduct on your recent trip overseas has convinced me that you are not an adequate representative of the United States of America collectively or of me personally.

You are so obsessed with appeasing the Europeans and the Muslim world that you have abdicated the responsibilities of the President of the United States of America . You are responsible to the citizens of the United States ... You are not responsible to the peoples of any other country on earth.

I personally resent that you go around the world apologizing for the United States telling Europeans that we are arrogant and do not care about their status in the world. Sir, what do you think the First World War and the Second World War were all about if not the consideration of the peoples of Europe ? Are you brain dead? What do you think the Marshall Plan was all about? Do you not understand or know the history of the 20th century?

Where do you get off telling a Muslim country that the United States does not consider itself a Christian country? Have you not read the Declaration of Independence or the Constitution of the United States ? This country was founded on Judeo-Christian ethics and the principles governing this country, at least until you came along, come directly from this heritage. Do you not understand this?

Your bowing to the king of Saudi Arabia is an affront to all Americans. Our President does not bow down to anyone, let alone the king of Saudi Arabia . You don’t show Great Britain , our best and one of our oldest allies, the respect they deserve yet you bow down to the king of Saudi Arabia . How dare you, sir! How dare you!

You can’t find the time to visit the graves of our greatest generation because you don’t want to offend the Germans but make time to visit a mosque in Turkey . You offended our dead and every veteran when you give the Germans more respect than the people who saved the German people from themselves. What’s the matter with you?

I am convinced that you and the members of your administration have the historical and intellectual depth of a mud puddle and should be ashamed of yourselves, all of you.

You are so self-righteously offended by the big bankers and the American automobile manufacturers yet do nothing about the real thieves in this situation, Mr. Dodd, Mr. Frank, Franklin Raines, Jamie Gorelic, the Fannie Mae bonuses, and the Freddie Mac bonuses. What do you intend to do about them? Anything? I seriously doubt it.

What about the U.S. House members passing out $9.1 million in bonuses to their staff members – on top of the $2.5 million in automatic pay raises that lawmakers gave themselves? I understand the average House aide got a 17% bonus. I took a 5% cut in my pay to save jobs with my employer. You haven’t said anything about that. Who authorized that? I surely didn’t!

Executives at Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac will be receiving $210 million in bonuses over an eighteen-month period, that's $45 million more than the AIG bonuses. In fact, Fannie and Freddie executives have already been awarded $51 million – not a bad take. Who authorized that and why haven’t you expressed your outrage at this group who are largely responsible for the economic mess we have right now.

I resent that you take me and my fellow citizens as brain-dead and not caring about what you idiots do.

We are watching what you are doing and we are getting increasingly fed up with all of you. I also want you to know that I personally find just about everything you do and say to be offensive to every one of my sensibilities.

I promise you that I will work tirelessly to see that you do not get a chance to spend two terms destroying my beautiful country.
[br[ Sincerely,

Every real American

P.S. I rarely ask that emails be 'passed around'...PLEASE SEND THIS TO YOUR EMAIL LIST...it's past time for all Americans to wake up!

Ms Kathleen Lyday
Fourth Grade Teacher
Grandview Elementary School
11470 Hwy. C
Hillsboro , MO 63050


"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding what to have for dinner. Liberty is a well-armed lamb." - Benjamin Franklin

P.S. I am not sorry to be an American.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES!

Fight the Power!

Post Notes: I originally wrote this as a response to a comment posted by Debbie in this post by Jo-Joe Politico. I was commenting on Debbie, a great blogger that I have recently found, saying that she would no longer be commenting on blogs that allow the idiots leftists to insult us conservatives. The need to struggle on is an important one, and as such I feel this is a good message.

It is easy to get discouraged. We are facing adversity at every turn. The enemy seems to be everywhere we look. Even I get discouraged now and again. It is easy to fall into the trap, one I believe is created from self-pity, of giving up. That is the easy choice, but it is no solution. The true price of freedom is eternal vigilance and a willingness to lay down your life if need be. Know you are not alone. We struggle everyday in our own lives, and the leftist attempt to cut us from the herd and drag us down individually. Do NOT let them do this. Our strength lies in our willingness and ability to hang together, for if we do not, we will most certainly hang separately. This is the great strength of the left, they know how to organize and work together. We are learning to do this, and combined with our moral sense coupled with our ability to think, rather than just feel, is what will win us back our nation. I quote myself earlier when I told Debbie, "I know you are not running away, but no matter why you go, if you go, they win. Fight back with reasoned argument and show them up as the brainless slugs who are unable think and reason, but only ooze from one sensation or feeling to another, that they are. If we turn our backs on the fight, they WILL win, by default yes, but we will wake up with the jackboot of liberal "it's good for you" tyranny on our necks without any one to blame but ourselves." Support each other. Get together and struggle as a group. Do NOT allow them to divide and conquer. The only concept the left has that was well thought out is solidarity. Learn this one thing from the enemy and keep your chin up, your head down, and you powder dry.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES!

Joke of the Week

Tip O' the Hat to Doug H. for both of this week's jokes. I hope all you terrorists vegetarians enjoy this one. Happy Monday. Be sure to check out my new nuke cloud in the link below.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES!

Joke of the Week

Here are two great cartoons I found while trolling around on the net. I hope you enjoy the toons and get a great laugh.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES!

Gratuitous Gloating

I have not been feeling well of late, so when I returned home from work, I took a little nap. The first thing I did when I woke up, was log in to the news. I searched frantically for news of the Massachusetts election results, and saw the great news. First, Congratulations Senator Brown, do us proud and never forget that loyalty is rewarded, and dishonesty will be severely punished. To all my conservative readers, we won a great victory right in the belly of the beast. To all you libs out there, let me offer you this consolatory sound bite.

I feel duty bound to caution you all against complacency. While this is a tremendous victory within the walls of a liberal stronghold, the war against freedom still rages, and the enemies of liberty many and varied. Hopefully this will sound the death-knell of CommieCare, and send a clear message to Washington. Having won a decisive victory, we must keep the pressure on Congress to ensure a greater victory, and to reclaim our birth-right of freedom. I have more to say on this subject, but I will save it for later in the week.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES!

Christmas Joke Special

Merry Christmas all. Here is a great joke to give you a laugh for the holidays.

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal today.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "Tiger Woods! Can I go now?"

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES!

Joke of the Week

I know I have not posted lately, but between work, the family and being just plain tired, I took an unplanned pause for the cause. I am back now, and well rested now, I think. This weeks joke again comes from Doug H. It definitely is in keeping with my thoughts on the idiocy of political correctness. Enjoy the laugh.

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2008
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

________________________________

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

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Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2008
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty


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Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2008
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

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Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2008
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!

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Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 6, 2008
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!
Joan

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND DEATH TO HER ENEMIES!